belated end-of-year thoughts

I wrote this entry towards the end of the last year -

It's the end-of-year and I've been really pensive.

More than 4 months have passed since I started work. That's a third of a year. I don't think I can still say I'm new in the office. Soon it will be 5 years, and I another major decision would be due. Should I stay on here or go abroad for further studies? Should I stay with the same company if I choose to stay? What do I want if I went abroad? Is pursuing a 15 years-old's dream still worthwhile when I'm twice that age? Should I just further my studies, on the company's terms, within the next two years, and then serve the remainder of my obligations when I return? These questions may be premature, but I still have no answer despite having mulled over them for the past 3 years. I'll have a better sense a few years down.

I'm not quite comfortable with the way we become boxed in socially in the office, where newcomers get adopted by a group with whom they lunch with. While that is comforting in his first days, it can stifle the development of his social circle in the workplace. Given the introverted culture here, it is difficult enough to break into another social enclave once the boundaries are established.

I was just wondering if my personality here and abroad are any different. I remember being more reserved around fellow countrymen when I was abroad, consciously or subconsciously. I gather that it's a defense mechanism. Most people I know move in the same social orbits, and it can be unwieldy when word gets out on any guffaws. For the same reason, our workplace personality can be very different from the "real" us.
I was clued in on the fuss on my joining the office only in recent months. A new cubicle space was carved out for me, unlike other new hires. There was also some haggling and bargaining on what I should eventually work on. Quite apparently there's no lack of preferential treatment showered on us too, as I've observed. How can I mitigate the little peer resentment directed on us as a result of our "extraordinary status"? Having to live up to expectations can be a burden.

While I was ruminating on my "previous life" in my earlier post, I wondered what I've accomplished during those two halcyon years, within my job scope. If I've to be honest with myself.... nothing much, despite informal assurances from the bosses about how much I've done for them. Professionally, it did little for me. Personally, I've picked up things that are useful in a work environment, which then again, can be picked up anywhere. I'm fortunate to have a pretty eventful out-of-office life.

I'm headed for Switzerland on a work trip! But that means more preparations. It's stressful preparing, but the homework's necessary if I want to have the most out of the trip.

Priorities, priorities. What should I do next year? Should I continue with tutoring? I enjoy teaching, but sad to say, I only have time for half the number of students I took this year. It's a way to maintain connection with my former students. Am I taking up a foreign language? Should I do volunteer work? What's on the social front?

I've cleared out most of my room. I managed to salvage space with the addition of a loft bed from IKEA. Now I need a standing lamp. Not sure if there's space for a keyboard though. I'd really like to own one. There may even be space for a mini armchair or sofa!

I still can't forget her. There's no future, but it makes me happy just to stay in touch with her, and give her gifts if there's a chance of that. I can't live like this forever. Things have to move, in her direction, or elsewhere...