off my chest

It's been close to a year and I still feel an invisible divide between me and my colleagues. They are a great bunch but our conversation topics don't get much more serious than socially safe small talk. I guess socializing through the mundane is the way things go here.

I read somewhere that those in the academia are only better off cousins of those who make their living through the arts. I started to appreciate this fact in my junior year in college. Our endeavors don't pay too much and are not well understood by the masses. Both are intellectual pursuits that don't make any direct impact on "the well-being of society". But I'd prefer to be an academic figure in the States than in Singapore. Be it in ethnicity, profession, or social background, diversity is part of the greater American landscape. It tends to be appreciated even if it is sometimes only tolerated. Academics are very much respected for what they do. Singapore's success story is one of trade. We have notable businessmen and politicians, but fairly few in the way of artists and academicians. This phenomena may be strange because education and academic success are generally highly regarded in Asian families. I guess excellence in intellectual fields only go as far as in the schooling years. Maybe it's just me, but back home here, I don't feel very proud to say that I did physics, even though I'd thoroughly enjoyed my major. Every time I have to do that, I can just see the "oh are you a teacher?" reply coming. Just a thought.

Looking back, I thought I was interested in V. Now I don't think so. She fits the bill for every guy's dream girl --- smart, caring, sweet, and soft-spoken. I bet I was quite mistaken about my initial interest because I do get nervous around her. But she's too safe. And she doesn't do her part of sharing unless prompted to. I want an independent companion. One who can stand on her own and even travel abroad alone. I don't enjoy playing the role of an all-round protector because it burdens me. I don't derive a sense of ego from that. It works for some guys, but not for me.